the inverted sexuality

Something that I’ve always debated over in my head was my sexuality. I mean, I passed the rainbow threshold of ‘not straight’ pretty smoothly (“I knew from the second I saw you that you aren’t straight,” my friend had said) but it was what happened after that put me in a bind.

It was fun for a while when I described myself as “questioning, not if I’m gay or straight, but if I’m gay or bisexual!” but that got old very quickly, because I knew inherently that I wanted to fit myself into one of the multiple sexuality boxes that places like Tumblr had made for me.

Even now, when I’m writing only for myself, I find it near impossible to even describe asexuality. It has a lot to do with masturbation, fantasies and of course actual sex, and no matter how much I use the excuse of a close-minded Indian society, I know for a fact that I simply don’t have the courage to face these issues.

It was only when I went into college that I encountered open minded people. And by that I don’t mean that I magically was able to talk about things like this. I mean that they were all too happy to talk about sex with their significant others, and it made me realize pretty quickly that I wasn’t fitting in.

I know all about things like ace positivity, and multiple posts from people stating how they felt ‘broken’ before they realized that asexuality was a thing and that they weren’t in the wrong. It’s sad that despite all this, I still somehow came to the conclusion that something was not right in me instead of wondering about my sexuality.

The thing was that I had a very asexual friend, who hated everything remotely sexual, which is what I eventually associated that spectrum with. Then keeping in mind my own interest in sex, it felt very wrong to call myself ace. Funnily enough, the autochoris flag is one that is half inverted, just to bring to light this curious paradox.

The turning point, I think, was my friend blithely going on about blowing her boyfriend as I sat in muted horror. I’d like to believe that the magic of LGBT+ awareness month was also a factor, but it’s incredibly unlikely.

I was relieved to see that when I finally decided to grow up and start researching, Tumblr had me covered. There were at least three blogs dedicated entirely to the sexuality, and a post even calling for its renaming into ageosexuality. That, in my opinion, is a very pretty word (“a-, meaning without, and the word ego, meaning me or myself, so basically sexual without myself, which is perfect” as the original post puts it) but I’ve seen a lot of people debating about that, so I’ll avoid that for now, and stick to the comparatively less pretty autochorissexual.

Now that I’m armed with this information, I feel like I’ve completed a very important Life Quest, akin to having a first crush or first kiss. I know my sexuality, one hundred percent well, without a lingering feeling of guilt or confusion. It’s pretty great. Now I’ll have to start looking for more people who identify in this way, just to make myself feel better. One thing I’m hoping for is that this post will put me on the autochoris radar so that in the future people like me will find more representation out there. If you’re autochoris and reading this, you’re valid, pal! Actual godsent proof right here. You’re welcome.