I first began like pretty much everyone else – with a naive dream of being a writer. This was a steady goal I had for quite a while, I must admit, but of course it kept getting diluted gradually. I wanted to be an author of several books! No? Well, a journalist then! But that involved too much field work. What about a freelance writer? Well okay, but who’d really pay for your articles?
So I was less and less sure of my goal through the years, but I did stubbornly proclaim some interest in literature despite it all. And then for two years I was charmed by the beauty of psychology, and was certain I’d be a psychologist before I was told in quite plain words that if you aren’t doing biology along with it, psychology isn’t worth much. I think it says a lot about how I quickly abandoned the field after hearing that.
Now that the one seemingly viable option that I had was blocked (English never really was one, you see) I had to go hunting for a vocation that was decent enough to vie for. After all, at this point I did not have the option of stuttering ‘something to do with English’ or ‘I’ll be a psychologist’ when someone asked me about my future.
The issue here being that I still haven’t come up with a good answer. I’ve worried over this enough so I won’t revisit it, but instead I shall talk about my writing and why I’m writing here.
Being in the course that I am, what I study is English, but not really English. I don’t know anything about the origins of words, for example, but I can analyze poetry and prose as well as the next person. I haven’t read Charles Dickens, but of course I’ve studied Dante. This curious education is obviously incomplete from the point of view of an English major, but I’m not aiming for that, am I?
So that brings me to why I started this blog. I’m not doing it as an aspiring English student, I’m doing it as a college kid who is somewhat good at stringing words together. I don’t have to stress about the quality of my writing or if it ‘works’ or ‘doesn’t work’. I can, on this blog, write freely about whatever the hell is going through my mind without worrying about the future of this blog or what this might mean to others who see it. I don’t have to restrict myself like I used to, when a school board would review my work, and I can write about the most mundane things I like.
This blog is my reconciliation with English, after I ran away from it the first time I was terrified to view it as a potential career path. I don’t have to build my self-confidence through audience driven fan-fictions on Ao3, or write terrible poetry and hide it in the literature section of DeviantArt. And at least for now, I think that’s enough for me.